


Amazing Boy

by lordmarvoloriddle



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Coach-Student Relationship, Don’t copy to another site, Injury, Insecurity, Just Yuzuru being a beast, M/M, Post-Break up (but in a platonic way at the beginning), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Hunger, Rivalry, Yuzuru Hanyu-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2020-05-19 19:29:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19362922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordmarvoloriddle/pseuds/lordmarvoloriddle
Summary: After loosing his Worlds title to Javier in 2015, Yuzuru does not get over it so easily. No, he basks in misery and resentment for the Spaniard... and for the coaching team who does not share his silent accusations. Choices are made and consequences follow.Alternative summary: 'Yuzuru-Javier rivalry went anything but smoothly and Brian is forced to make a painful choice.'





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heh, so here I am... working on the story I had in my head for years and years. Writing about real people is not something I've ever done before but, as I had said, this particular scenario plagued my mind and it did not stop until I finally placed in on paper, or so to say. Many many thanks to the amazing @Mother_North stories for giving me courage to post about this ship in the first place. That being said, if you're not comfortable with this pairing, don't bother to read or send useless hate. Anyway, for the ones who choose to stay, hope you'll enjoy; stan the GOAT Yuzuru Hanyu, stan talent ⛸️🥇

It was all utterly perfect. Until it wasn't. Where, when, how did it all begin?

Surely with his boundless ambition for _everything_.

Yuzuru did not deem himself to be one to run away from the consequences of his own actions. Not when jumping straight into a triple axel without preparation and certainly not when tiny cracks began to show after his much anticipated decision to switch coaches, countries, life itself. The opposite, actually ― meeting obstacles straight on like a vicious storm eradicated everything in its way yet… he could not help but be bothered.

And it was so very selfish, he knew. Yuzuru’s dream had come true in the shape of the golden Olympic medal around his neck, now, a year after, currently at home. He had achieved his greatest ambition while Brian and the team held him carefully so that he would not fail but Yuzuru… Yuzuru’s insides were twisting in the most troublesome of ways after losing his Worlds title to Javier. _His_ Worlds title. _His and only his_ . And Brian was beaming from ear to ear with his other charge, _the original one_ , _the first one_ , _the one before him_ , Yuzuru bitterly observed while quarreling a panic attack in his hotel room. The piled up frustration wasn’t going anywhere, certainly not tonight.

He had thought himself better than this, a better competitor than he truly appeared to be.

Yuzuru sent another puffy pillow straight into the wall, right before burying his face in his shaking palms. _Get yourself together. You’re the Olympic Champion, you can do it._ Yuzuru could. _But no longer a World Champion_ . _Because of ―_

_No, don’t go there!_

Stupid tears lurked at the corner of his eyes. And he did far more than go  _there,_ he  ran _there_ . It was the very reason he had retreated so early from the closing banquet and all their merry expressions after many glasses of champagne. And _him_ as he proudly clasped Javier’s shoulder _._ Witnessing Brian act so delighted while Yuzuru was buried under mountains of failure felt like a particular nasty fall onto the ice. _Yuzuru would know._

Yet a question arise… this was far from the first time he had ,lost but why did Yuzuru take the aftermath so badly now? Had he grew this prideful after such meaningful gold? Good? Bad? What was he? A success? A failure? And the failure? The failure was losing in itself or losing to Javier? This was the part where Yuzuru’s breath quickened aided by no movement at all. There was something about Javier… only not really. Something peaking just around the corner… but what?

 _Who_?

His much sought answer arrived two weeks into the off-season, into a warm morning when the sun was shining bright over Toronto, as if on a personal quest to spite Yuzuru and his gloomy mood, still so very bitter about Worlds. So much that even sharing an ordinary training session with Javier put his temper on edge, not inducing sloppiness but making him far too daring in his jumping technique in order to prove himself to anyone who may be watching. Well, not just anyone. Daring enough to get a soft scolding from Brian and his undivided attention.

Yuzuru met the man’s clear blue eyes and nodded, ceding his quads for several moments. It sparked a fire in his senses, physically conscious of that gaze glued on the back of his neck as he was looked at by _him_. Yuzuru possessed his attention. No matter how bad he burned to show off, he refrained from displaying skills Brian already knew he possessed. Perhaps better than anyone else, even Yuzuru himself. Instead, he settled for a spin.

“Yes yes, very good!” he heard an exciting Tracy exclaim from the other end of the rink.

Yuzuru placed down his left foot and turned his head just in time to glimpse Javier gliding onto the ice after a well landed… quad of any type judging from the speed. Yuzuru’s jaw clenched, however, he was ready to let go and concentrate on his own business when Brian’s voice joined the party.

“That was beautiful, Javi. Especially the smooth running edge coming out of it.”

More beautiful than his?

Staring down at his skates Yuzuru felt all enthusiasm desert the building. Not that it had counted for too much to begin with. But it had left. Now there simply remained… annoyance, words like insults when addressed to anyone but him. Yuzuru huffed, eyes narrowing, skating around in circles, pushing the outside world in the back of his mind. _He hated this! He hated it! He needed to make it better!_

Gaining ground and speed, Yuzuru threw himself into a quad toe. A spot-on landing brought everyone’s attention back to him, including Brian’s. A displeased Brian who automatically inched in his direction while shaking his head. Tracy and Javier’s gazes followed with interest.

“Yuzu… I thought we went over this times and times before. No jumping after I said no.”

Shame caught up to him and Yuzuru’s eyes went down before meeting Brian’s. Thankfully his coach did not appear too disappointed… perhaps a bit irritated. Nonetheless Yuzuru felt like a spoiled brat causing much fussing for absolutely nothing of value.

All because of Javier! Or not. Maybe….

“Sorry… I…. felt like doing it.”

Brian sighed before such week defense, strong hands finding their way to Yuzuru’s narrow shoulders. Not so annoyed no more. _Not at him. Never at him. Not for too long._

“Forgiven this time. Just, please, don’t do it again. You’re risking injury and we don’t want that. Ok?”

“Ok,” he smiled, stealing an amused grin from Brian. “Promise.”

“Promise,” the man echoed, the warmth of his touch abandoning Yuzuru’s skin. “Now show me another triple axel.”

It was a beautiful triple axel considering the enthusiastic and familiar clapping of Brian’s palms. Leg still up, cheeky smile in place, Yuzuru glanced in his direction. He was stared back as well. His coach was pleased and so was Yuzuru. Immensely so.

“That was stunning. And now quads are starting to look like a good idea. What do you say? Another flip?”

_Yes yes yes._

It was Javier’s turn to watch from the sidelines.

 

*** * ***

 

“Yuzu? Can we please talk?”

He was in the middle of tying the intricate knots of his trainers when Brian’s shadow obscured his vision.

“Of course. Here or in your office?”

“My office. Come now?”

Yuzuru nodded, standing up. Skates in his black backpack, he followed, waving at Tracy as he did so, Javier long gone, supposedly at home, practically who knew where. Once inside and with the door closed, the merry atmosphere made place to palpable tension, for once, not from Yuzuru’s part. Wasting no time, Brian’s motioned him to sit, a clear signal of a prolonged discussion. He did as told.

“Is this about the first quad? Or… did I do something else? More wrong?” Yuzuru asked, genuinely curious.

Had his coach taken notice of his sudden aversion to Javier’s presence? Was Brian seeking to change his mind?

“No, Yuzu, it’s not about the quad, not really. It’s about you.”

The warmth in those blue eyes proved a contradiction to the grave tone of the unpleasant subject.

“Me? What about me?”

“Well… I would have wished you’d came to me first but… we’ll manage the issue anyway. About you… you are in a livid disposition ever since China. Livid with yourself, with your skating, with Javier. Perhaps with me too. And you are pushing way too hard, hard enough to injure yourself. Like today’s quad for example. Yuzu, please, let me know these things. I can’t help if I don’t know.” Brian extended his hand over the desk and Yuzuru presented his without much thought. An overwhelming feeling of sadness was spreading inside his chest, poisoning his previous mood. “You are disappointed and angry, it’s clear to everyone. Yes, you made mistakes. But Yuzu, mistakes are normal, nothing to be ashamed of. And you’re you. Yuzuru Hanyu. World Champion, Grand Prix Champion, Olympic Champion ―”

“Not double World Champion.”

Yuzuru’s voice broke, more weight crumbling on his shoulders, the brushing of Brian’s fingers across his knuckles coming to a halt.

“I…” he hurried to add, the vulnerability of the situation making him sick in the stomach. “I know. And I’m sorry. I should grow but I-I can’t! I was not good enough when it mattered, why didn’t I ―”

“Yuzu. Stop. _Stop_. Breathe. Look at me. Yes, just like this. You are amazing. Amazing, but human. Self doubt is normal yet do not let it define yourself. You can grow again. You just need time. I’m going to help you, Tracy is going to help you.” Now both of Brian’s hands were closed around his own. “Please keep your head up, follow and trust your training and when you feel down let me know. I’ll shower you with compliments. Want to know a few?”

Yuzuru shrugged and Brian smiled.

“Good, here we go, nothing but the truth. You are one special young man. A fairytale warrior whom I first glimpsed in competition and right away deemed as a worthy rival to my student. One warrior who flattered me with his request to follow my coaching. An amazing talent who steals my breath away each time he steps on the ice, even when he gracefully lands onto his ass. The boy who stood and completed his Olympic performance after not one but two falls in his program. And do you really want me to start about the world records?”

Yuzuru shrugged yet again.

“No but... I still feel miserable. Like it’s all over. Like I’m over.”

“You aren’t.”

 _How do you know_ he ached to ask. _How can you say I’m going to overcome this when I’m on the verge of crying before your very eyes? I feel alone no matter what I’m doing. At home mom encourages me yet it rings just as empty as my smile. You try to do the same now and the result does not change. You are well intended, so am I the one to blame? Not just a failure but an ungrateful one as well?_

“Things will get better, you’ll see,” Brian was saying from a far away realm, caging Yuzuru’s hand in hopes of assurance, truly, a vain one.

 

* * *

 

Things did not get better. The outside perspective may speak different but deep inside, Yuzuru was raging. Oh, he was quite talented at faking smiles when needed to, but when in his own company his face fell, his eyes grew sharp and icy. Luck had it that the last person he wanted to see caught glimpse of such unworthy display.

Their sole shared training session had came to a close and Brian requested Javier to stay behind in order to discuss some pressing details about something Yuzuru didn’t completely understood, perhaps due to English, perhaps due to lack of interest. Somehow it was fine by him, the opportunity to change in peace and avoid painfully awkward talk the type of _what’s new at home_ or _I love the new music you chose._ However _,_ Yuzuru had managed none of it all, skates still on his feet, headphones inside his ears, staring blankly at a wall. He had just.... dissociated for a time. The music wasn’t playing. He wasn’t even conscious of Javier’s presence until the man spoke.

“Did my win make you this unhappy?”

While facing his training mate, Yuzuru found his mouth to be dry. He could not deny, could not lie. Well, he could but the energy to do so proved incredibly costly. And his face… It was already far too late for Yuzuru to alter his sour expression. Besides, did he really want to? What for? To save something that could not be saved? Something that had never existed in his bond with the Spaniard?.

“It is what it is. And it concerns me, not you.”

Yuzuru crunched down, furiously working on getting his skates off. He wanted to leave, he wanted fresh air and silence. He wanted to be left alone to curse his own weakness.

“Bullshit,” Javier called, stepping near him. “Our training sessions are thoroughly divided, I barely see you and when I do you don't talk to me, don’t even look my way. Ever since Worlds. So how isn’t this about me? Or what? Is your new-founded ego so enormous you are unable to comprehend you lost?”

Yuzuru should have been the composed one, like usual. Should have kept his mouth shut, should have informed Javier he was tired ― and he was, should have done anything else besides what he actually did. One foot in his sneakers, the other in his skate, he straightened himself and, without warning, got into Javier’s face. And then he swore in English for the first time in his life.

“Fuck off and go celebrate your precious win!”

He was slightly pushed back in a natural fit of rage in response to the offence. It was compulsory, really. And it would have been completely fine if it ended right there, with only a step not in the right place. But fate had it another way. Fate and his mismatches shoes.

Yuzuru’s balance offered no aid at all, not with one heavy foot slugging down his movements. Javier’s hand also darted far too late, now sensing the outcome. Yuzuru fell on his back, a sharp pain lightening down from his shoulders, the very body part he had knocked onto the sitting bench. All air left his lungs and tears prickled at the corner of his vision. _It hurt_. Javier was saying something, then screaming something but Yuzuru was too blinded by pain to take notice, yet he must have been fine as he was still able to lift his heavy leg, the one clad in skates, and the other… Yes, this one did his job as well. But Yuzuru’s shoulder was another thing entirely, one with a mind of it own. Unfortunately, the suffering was evenly shared.

When he finally opened his eyes Brian was leaning over him with such a terrified expression Yuzuru burned to let him know he was ok. His legs were fine therefore he was fine. Yuzuru Hanyu was always fine. A warrior, just as Brian had said.

“Yuzu, help is coming. Stay strong for me, ok? For me, for you.”

_Perhaps things will get better. He’s here, with me._

 

_*** * *** _

 

The twists in his story so far should have made it more easy. And it was anything but. Anything but decisive ― a decision he did not want to make, a decision that wasn’t truly his yet the question _had_ to be uttered by him and him only. It burned yet Yuzuru had to, otherwise he would be steadily losing his mind, he’ll make more and more mistakes until all the right steps were to be lost amidst the upcoming disaster.

It was his second day in hospital ― should have been home already but his mom and Brian were unbroken and unyielding in their will to remain here for a few more hours. As if Yuzuru would heal faster while confined in this bed. They were right in a way. He did some healing… of the psychological kind. A conclusion has been reached, a bitter one, a conclusion nonetheless. This was the precise reason why he had sent for Brian so soon after his mom went out to eat lunch. Javier had visited hours before, all hunched shoulders and apologies and Yuzuru had uttered _it’s ok_ because it didn’t truly matter anymore. His decision had been made even then, inducing a slight guilt regarding what he was about to do.

But there was no other way.

He pushed himself into a sitting position against the many pillows from his hospital bed just in time to see Brian arrive, cup of coffee in hand, dark circles underneath his eyes. Yuzuru was well aware the older man had not left his side ever since yesterday evening. He remembered Brian over him, warm hands on each side of Yuzuru’s face, words uttered so close to his ear. _Stay strong for me, ok? For me, for you._ Yes, Yuzuru was doing this for himself, just as Brian had said. In spite of the fact he was on the verge of weeping and seeking shelter into his coach’s arms, Yuzuru was going to be strong.

“How are you feeling?” he was asked while Brian pulled a chair at his bedside. “Just had a meeting with the doctor on my way here. Tomorrow morning you’ll be allowed home. Thankfully, it’s not bad. Should be back on ice in no time.”

“We need to talk,” Yuzuru breathed out, voice quivering, ignoring the previous sentence.

Brian took notice of his grim demeanor at once. He knew Yuzuru like the back of his hand, after all. Did he knew the rest as well? Had he guessed?

“Of course. After what happened we have to ―”

“I’m growing tired of crawling on my knees. I’m powerful but not this way. And I tried but… look how it ended.” A bitter laugh escaped him. “I’m so selfish but this is who I am, this is what I feel. And I feel like dying every minute while in his presence. We’re hurting each other without really trying ―”

Brian placed his coffee besides Yuzuru’s untouched lunch on his bedside table. The color of his face grew pale, he sensed the menace.

“Yuzu, what are you saying?”

“I… me or him. That’s… that’s how it is.” He pushed back tears. “Or nothing at all.”

Outside of this room people went on with their lives, with their own difficult. The hurried steps of nurses, the ringing from the patients rooms. Only in here silence reigned. Brian looked as if he had just been slapped while Yuzuru’s tears had begun their betrayal. He furiously whipped at his cheeks with the back of his hand. A slight discomfort in his shoulder signaled a protest at the sudden movement. And Brian’s gaze pinned him down to the ground like a needle would do to a butterfly. 

At last, he spoke.

“Are you truly conscious of what you’re asking of me? Perhaps the medications are playing with your worst instincts?”

Yuzuru wordlessly declined through a vague gesture and Brian stared helplessly. For the first time since Yuzuru could remember, the man’s hands were shaking. The words were not there. Ah, he was the perpetrator and he must talk.

“It’s selfish and it’s bad. But there’s no other way for me. Not if I want to succeed. And I desperately wish to. So... me or him. I need to know.” A prolonged pause. “Please.” _Please just don’t leave me_ . _Please._

“Yuzu ― I… You ― You’re not thinking clear,” Brian stammered, abandoning his chair. It clicked against the floor in the most unpleasant of ways. “Believe me, Javier is miserable, he’s sorry and I’ll take care of it. I’ll make it right, I'll ―

“No. I don’t want to see him anymore. I don't want to share my coach with him. Me or him. I’m asking you.”

Yes, either Brian chose him or he did not. Yuzuru was terrified of the answer.

“ _Yuzu_. You’re asking me to abandon the boy that has been abandoned times before. To turn my back to Javier who gave his blessing for your acceptance at once. Javier who supported you each and every time you took the gold, sentencing him to silver. This is what you ask of me without considering his feelings, of what is just.”

“Then I'm sorry I let you down. I suppose I’m not that nice of a person everyone believes I am. So, me or him.”

“I’m not going to answer that,” Brian uttered with disgust, heading for the exit. “Eat, sleep, clear your mind. We’ll talk tomorrow with a clear head. Take care of yourself.”

“No answer is still an answer,” called, _warned_ , Yuzuru, lump in his throat.

Brain hesitated at the door before he furiously took his leave, leaving him behind. Moments after, burying his face in his palms, Yuzuru screamed, wailed, sobbed, all in silence. It was done for, the choice had been made, the answer had been delivered. He rocked back and forth, one sharp inhale of breath after the other while his shoulders protested in discomfort.

It wasn’t like Yuzuru had not been expecting this outcome. But he had hoped. _So foolish of him._ Them two had built so much over the years, not a simple house but a castle. An empire. More than an ordinary and trusting coaching relationship, a friendship truly. Cherished each other, motivated each other. And so he had placed his hopes, betting on his objective value to Brian as a successful student if nothing more. And he had lost so viciously. Yuzuru had asked for too much or perhaps he himself was not enough to count at all. _So what_ he wanted to scream for anyone to hear. _Let them know how bad Yuzuru suffered_ . This wasn’t the first time someone left him. But it was the first time it ached this badly. As if he was sick, as if he was dying, haunting thoughts that poisoned each grain of confidence he possessed. _Brian had left him!_

Out of breath, he fell back against the pillows. Yuzuru stared up at the pearly ceiling, willing himself to stop crying once and for all. His mom should be back any moment now and he would need to talk to her. About Brian, about leaving, about so many things that needed to be done. Would she empathize? Would she judge him as well? Inevitably, Brian repulsed expression came in mind. His broad back as he left came to mind.

_If you only knew how alone I am. How much I would have wanted you to choose me and only me. How selfish I am. At least one of these things you do know._

Exhaling through his open mouth, Yuzuru prepared for the inevitable. For her steps and for something new to begin, something that was supposed to be great.


	2. Chapter 2

His life turned more quiet all of a sudden. There was little else to do besides skating at a different ice rink, a smaller one, patently waiting for a response from the Japanese Skating federation, ignoring persistent media attempts to reach him. So Yuzuru did as wished, immersed in his intricate moves and the notes playing right in his ear, thinking about nothing in particular. He was waiting while others waited as well. And, fighting the nagging temptation, he kept away from the internet where news of his abrupt departure from Brian’s coaching team were spreading like wildfire across a dry field. Just gazing at his mom’s face when he returned back home was answer enough to allude to how many names Yuzuru was called for said action.

He did not mind. He, utterly alone, concentrated onto his next quad. And then the next.

It had been a nightmare in the beginning. That very evening of the unsaid sentence, Yuzuru left the hospital. Brian, Tracy and Ghislain had all reached out for further discussions through the following week but he had stood his ground, leaving his mom to politely convey his ongoing refusals. He did not wish to see their faces, especially Brian’s, for Yuzuru was sure he will yield _and he must not_ . He must be strong for he was a warrior and warriors did not cry, least of go back on their words. Yuzuru may be running from something but he was also running _towards_ something. This is how it was. He lived. Just another mountain to climb before him. He’ll make it to the top once again. And he will remain there.

Then the message arrived.

“Here, Brian begged me to make sure this will reach your hands,” his mother had uttered one morning when Yuzuru was getting ready to leave their temporary apartment. “It’s proper manners to read it.”

An innocent piece of paper folded in half. Yuzuru stared at it, dread coiling into the pit of his stomach. What to do? It would be so easy not to take it. Or take and then throw it away, burn it even. But then he would have the rest of his life to wonder about what was written in there. The _what_ _if_ would disturb his peace. And so Yuzuru clutched the letter in his palm and when in the backseat of the taxi he found enough courage to pry it open.

Brian’s familiar handwriting was a forceful blow stealing his steady breath. Yuzuru was still hoping for a miracle as he read.

 

_Yuzu, I pray you meant nothing by it. That you are only full of temporary wrath and you honestly do not wish to put an end to our contract. I care about you, you know I do. We all do. So please, let’s meet in person, discuss this challenge. At least answer the phone. Let’s talk like grown-ups should. If not with me, at least with Tracy. Yuzu, please. Please reach back to me._

 

Well… what else had he expected? The answer remained the same. Yuzuru was the second choice, now and always.

He slowly breathed out, eyes cast outside the window, focused on the red traffic light, furiously blinking traitorous tears. This too stood in his way and in the end he could not extinguish a single childish urge and brought forth his phone. Yuzuru sent a single email to Brian, the last that will ever be. Subject: _goodbye_ , text _: thank you for everything but no_. _Have a happy life_. Then he sat back and blocked Brian’s contact once again ― just as he had done with his phone number, days before.

No peace washed over him now. His act had been far from wise. Yuzuru, consciously or not, had stirred a sleeping beast, curios for the existence of a reaction. A sleeping beast who ached for a specific company, cowering in regret and self-doubt. These types of thoughts were the real dangers to Yuzuru’s plan. One feeling, just enough to ruin his glorious future. 

Laughing softly, Yuzuru exhaled. What else was he supposed to do beside try? If you fell you got up, the general rule of life, not only skating. Besides, Yuzuru had not fell this time. He himself had choose to jump, perhaps aided by a tiny push. Whatever. It was in his power to make this right. Only, how good it would be if thoughts of Brian would leave his mind… him and all other pieces of the past Yuzuru was clinging onto with his teeth. Such wonderful past! Medals, laughs, prideful glances, hands holding his, hands hauling him up after a particularly sloppy run-through, kind words always hitting home. And now… none of it, not with Brian, perhaps not with anyone else, ever. No, surely with no one else. The idea of baring himself before a stranger made Yuzuru sick in the stomach.

One way or another he will be great once again and nothing more should matter. 

“Hey! Are you ok?”

The driver’s voice tore through his reveries and Yuzuru met the man’s concerned gaze in the rear-view mirror. Perhaps he was aware of who Yuzuru was… this or his inner turmoil got the best of him, just enough to make it obvious.

“Not really,” he found himself confessing, a crushing weight making a little room off his chest. “But I will be, eventually. I have to.”

Judging from the prolonged silence which followed, his response proved quite uneasy for the taxi driver. Upon such question the usual answer was an affirmative one. _Yes I’m fine,_  even if you really weren’t, _especially_ because you weren't. Yuzuru had played by this song for quite some time and will continue to do so for as long as possible. Just… just this once he allowed himself a moment of temporary weakness, until the traffic lights turned green. Then his self pity should be over and done with. 

His one chance at sincerity flew like that. Now Yuzuru turned painfully conscious of what he needed to do, yet the task remained just as demanding. But, well, life went on and like everything else, he’ll get used to any changes.

The taxi took a corner and Yuzuru breathed out. Time to move on.

 

*** * ***

 

It borrowed the shape of betrayal. It _became_ betrayal. Yuzuru knew it, the man looking him up from head to toe knew it as well. _Betrayal, vile betrayal_. Brian Boitano certainly tasted the same venom, as he had been the one to reach out to Yuzuru. Perhaps the purpose was betrayal itself. Yes, what else could it be?

“With what do you normally begin? The training session I mean.”

They were both on ice, circling one another, testing the waters, completely alone in an unknown rink belonging to the senior skater or to an acquaintance of his, all the way in the United States... Far from their first meeting, but certainly just as tension charged. This _other_ Brian represented a direct link to the first one. _Ah, but isn’t this the reason you accepted his aid? To spite Brian, to make him burn?_ _Don’t play innocent now._

“Just skating around, stretching my muscles, warming up. Finding balance.”

A hum was his only answer. This man judged Brian for this sentence alone, evaluating Yuzuru and his training routine, perhaps looking to criticize his former rival in all that could be criticized.

He was left to skate in peace and Yuzuru fell into his usual patterns, blind to all that went out outside of  _Yuzuru Hanyu._ He skated, he skated and he skated, and then he jumped a rather beautiful triple axel. And then a quad. No thinking about who was watching him, safer this way. Sadly, the experience was short lived compared to his initial expectations. This other Brian called out to him soon after.

“Amazing,” he acknowledged with a small smile.

_Not the first to tell him that._

“Me? Thank you.”

“No, not you. Your jumps.”

Yuzuru stilled at the poorly concealed insult. Blinking, he debated the benefits of a verbal response. But was it really an insult? It sounded like one, the look in the man’s eyes spoke of one. Raising his chin, Yuzuru lived up to the dare.

“You don’t know how to help me,” he stated.

“No,” came the confirmation, “Not now ― but in time you’ll see we can help one another a great deal.”

They danced around the subject so masterfully. Then… and from then on… such wonderful lies. Yuzuru supposed they could have been some sort of friends if not for their common history in form of one name… as for Boitano (he could not bring himself to call him Brian) Yuzuru was nothing but a trophy to flaunt before his rival while for Yuzuru, Boitano meant only a petty revenge. _In the end_ _Brian hadn’t cared enough to choose him._ Grinding his teeth, Yuzuru tightened his laces to the point of cutting blood circulation. He gently let it go right after… the psychical side that was, the memory never truly left. Gliding onto the ice, the goal was forgetfulness for just a short while… and ignorance, blissful ignorance.

Boitano ceded all choices to him. Music, choice of choreographer, attire ― everything. It was better this way for Yuzuru knew what needed to be done. After all, when high into a jump it did not matter, the control was his and his only. _Seimei_ bore his marks and he loved it. When he had presented his decisions to his new coach the man had only asked if Yuzuru would not like something else for the long program, disapproval coating his tone. Tongue just as sharp as his eyes, Yuzuru stood by his choice while Boitano nodded his final acceptance. Yes, Yuzuru was well aware he was not to this man’s liking ― how strange, for countless coaches will kill to be in his place, competing themselves for the chance to have Yuzuru Hanyu in their hands. But the reason behind this particular partnership was far from ordinary, he could not expect adoration emerging from a vile purpose, for in fact Yuzuru was only a means to an end. So _Seimei_ it stayed. Between its powerful notes were included more quads than in the previous seasons and at the start of every training session Yuzuru allowed his body to follow the stroking exercises Brian and Tracy had been so keen on practicing like a holy ritual. The routine was familiar, calming in spite of all memories, perhaps due to the already fruitful outcome.

But, attempts at preserving his habits or not, Yuzuru perceived a subtle but potent change was taking place. His worst instincts were unhinged, no Brian or Tracy or Ghislain to tell him when to stop. He could throw himself into as many quads as he pleased for Boitano never dictated rules in this regard. If anything, his gaze grew more interested, joining the jumping assistant in his discussions with Yuzuru ― the American seemed to appreciate him the most when twisted in a four-rotation jump… and ignored him the most when Yuzuru was sprawled down on the ice, breathing heavily. Boitano judged harsher than any official judge, and just to prove him wrong Yuzuru will get up and gain speed for another reckless quad. 

_If only Brian would see you now, all his hard work gone to waste._

Yuzuru hit the board with the heel of his skates and Boitano gazed down into the screen of his phone before walking away, _disappointed_.

 

*** * ***

 

Russia was too cold… that or Yuzuru grew too familiar with the mild American climate. By the time he finally set foot inside the Megasport Sport Palace Yuzuru was both chilly and partly blind by the countless cameras pointed his way… and the shouted questions, oh, so many questions, never-ending questions drowning the background music meant to motivate and inspire joy to all competitors. _Mister Hanyu, Mister Hanyu, just a moment please! Talk to us! Are you anxious about the upcoming meeting? What about the competition? Yuzu! Yuzu!_

A part of him relished in the attention. Yes, he was the star, the one followed by all eyes. He, Yuzuru Hanyu. The hard work paid off, his entire career had lead to moments like these… to adoration and reverence and awe. Others may skate in the next few days but Yuzuru was the true point of interest, many many reasons behind this religious interest. and one of those... palpable rigidity in the air as he marched to the ice, Boitano somewhere close behind… and the other two… ahead, quite far. For a moment Yuzuru stilled his steps, seeking to delay the inevitable. Brian and Javier were here, he knew, of course he knew. Yuzuru had been well aware, one could say he even had welcomed this meeting, the starting point of his glorious revenge. But now, as people screamed and Brian’s entire body stiffen in repose… Yuzuru proved unnerved. _No silly,_ he scolded himself as he advanced, gaze straight ahead and nowhere else. _You would have encountered them anyway, better sooner than letter. Javier is already at his second event while I’m at my first. No matter, I will qualify, I will beat him right in front Brian’s eyes, I’ll show him what he’d lost, what he could have had._

Those words swirled in his mind while Yuzuru took the ice for the very first practice session. Excited shouts made him realize how dearly he had missed the thrill of competing… but he was here now… and he was going to be great. Yuzuru dived into his routine, seeking to clear his mind. Only him, the ice, his inner music, his body which followed its every note. At the first jumped quad the crowd went wild and Yuzuru smirked, gazing over his shoulder to see if Boitano held any demands for future actions. Instead… familiar blue eyes meet his own and he forgot how to properly move. Yuzuru lost speed, drifting aimlessly, not letting go of Brian’s stare… or Brian did not let go of his.

The rest of the skaters fretted all around the rink while he and his former coach measured one another with… many many unsaid words and feelings. The walls appeared to be caving in as Yuzuru waited for something tangible, the reaction he had secretly hoped for all this time ― but as soon as he glimpsed it, Yuzuru found he wasn't prepared for the immeasurable sadness and longing. No, there was no joy, only rebel thoughts and even more questions. Thoroughly amusing how something nearly spiritual could be communicated in such a short-lived glance. Yuzuru only hoped he himself did not show weakness... but resentment. _You did not choose me,_ he wanted to scream for everyone to hear.

He lost himself for more than one moment and when he sensed a brush against his side Yuzuru was back in China, not really properly breathing. In fact and in truth, he had merely scattered away from the accidental body contact, gaze down, breathing through his nose, instinctively inching to the boards. _To_   _Brian, no,  not to Brian._ His actual coach stood on the opposite side, slightly frowning when Yuzuru arrived before him, silent at first.

“What’s the matter?”

Brian would have known. He knew at the very moment but couldn’t possibly march for Yuzuru to tell him to be brave again, to tell him brushing against other skaters wouldn't always end up like in China. But of course Brain did not come, why would he? They were strangers now. Why would he care? Why would Yuzuru even dream about it?

“Nothing,” he spoke through clenched teeth but his hands were quivering as he reached for a handkerchief.

“I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

_You can’t help me anyway._

Their voices were low, conscious of curious ears and rolling cameras. _Yuzuru could not appear weak!_   _He was not weak!_ In front of him, the American’s eyes narrowed at his lack of a verbal response. Yuzuru found himself standing even straighter, seeking to dispel the sudden tension and all intrusive thoughts of China and bloody chins and wobbling legs.

“It passed. Just… a memory. A bad memory.”

Boitano nodded. Not too convinced but nonetheless nodded.

“Good then. Do rehearse the quad lutz before the run-through. You’re still atrocious at it.”

It was Yuzuru’s turn to nod with bitterness. _Place the affront away, return to skating, concentrate on a tangible goal_. _For your own good._ Yes, at the moment that much he could do. He pushed away from the boards, looking everywhere but in Brian’s direction yet seeing Javier all the same. The Spaniard’s eyes flickered to him ever so briefly before Yuzuru passed him, gaining considerable speed… then jumped. The tip of his blade dived into the ice and Yuzuru made use of the outside edge of his opposite foot to direct the movement and liftoff… four full rotations, a clean landing, exciting screams… he smirked over his shoulder at all those watching… but mostly at Brian and Javier. _See, I’ve done what he - you - can’t. I’m better, the best! Me, only me._

But once the fleeting moment of triumph passed, Yuzuru found substantial happiness to be lacking. Boitano grinned with arms trained in a pleased clap but Yuzuru would discerned the truth even without the previous jab at his general gratification. His coach wasn’t proud of Yuzuru and his journey, the American only basked in showing off to his former rival, in conquering Brian’s precious student. Or, not so precious, all things considered. He saw the hand sign for another lutz and with a rolling of his shoulders Yuzuru complied.

He failed the landing. _Atrocious_. Fans shouted, cameras flashed, all eyes on him. Yuzuru was surrounded by so many people… but still so alone. _And atrocious._

 

*** * ***

 

Memories were merciless. Gazing down at the Pooh tissue-box right before the starting point of his short program, Yuzuru ached for Brian so bad it physically hurt, mocking the beginning of an asthma attack. _No, no, not now. Deep breaths, one after another, you’ve done this times and times before._ The announcer was seconds away from calling out his name and Yuzuru was not calm… for the usual parting ceremony which he cherished and put his nerves at rest was nowhere to be found. Instead, something else. Boitano stared at him, hands closed around Yuzuru’s tiny wrists, sharp eyes locked on his as if sharing secrets.

“Yuzuru, don’t let me down.”

He could only blink in the face of this masked threat before the crowd erupted in roaring cheers. Yuzuru pushed himself to the center of the rink, taking deep breaths before soothing piano notes were to fill the arena. In that instant Yuzuru was far from his ideal self but the fight continued for his best self awaited. _He will surely win_.

And Yuzuru did. 93.14, not perfect but enough to win him a comfortable first lead before Javier. In the Kiss & Cry Boitano acted all fatherly, smiles and claps landing on Yuzuru’s tiny shoulders and Yuzuru smiled too… but not as brightly. There was still the free program to master, the quad lutz to completely conquer… and blue eyes to avoid like the plague.

It proved rather facile until the very end of the Rostelecom Cup, when with the gold medal around his neck Yuzuru waited backstage for the award ceremony to commence. Boitano was not accompanying him, not that Yuzuru wished him to. For now Yuzuru entertained his admires, took silly pictures with them, grinned at them ear to ear when they called him _King_ and _Yuzu, Yuzuru, Yuz_ -

“Yuzu.”

Tatiana’s gaze flickered behind his back and a sad knowing smile graced her already parted lips, yet Yuzuru needn't see to set apart the presence of his unwelcome visitor. Sounds appeared to dim as, following a parting bow, Yuzuru faced his former coach nearly in slow motion, seeking more and more time to scold his expression. Uncaring, cold, a perfect mask-

Brian’s expression ruined plans. His blue eyes seem to plead, worship, accuse, all at the same time. It wasn’t in Yuzuru blood not to stir his own facade. He was needed and he needed in return, the quivering of his lips said as much. People passed by, both staff and fellow skaters, but his and Brian’s attention was solely focused on one another. Tricky visions offered damaging possibilities. _Whisper Brian’s name, say you’re sorry, dive into his strong arms, push your face into his shoulder_ or… _rise up your chin in defiance, offer only a nod before taking your graceful departure_. All actions would stir imaginable emotions, so what else to do besides finding a middle way? Even if this one would hurt the most as it imposed an unimaginable charade to carry.

And when had they drifted so close to each other, mere centimeters of separation?

 _Yuzuru’s breathing danced all wrong._ But at least Brian seemed to pose the very same difficulties as they sat in silence yet everything but silence between their eyes.

“Don’t let anyone push you too hard with the lutz, I don’t want to be witness to your decline.”

Ah, of course… no greeting, no verbal acknowledgment of the circumstances, of the passed time and the painful departure, words hitting where it hurt the most.

“No worry,” he smiled with as much cruelty as he could master. “No one can be more cruel to Yuzuru Hanyu than Yuzuru Hanyu already is to himself. You would know.”

He had the satisfaction of seeing Brian’s nostrils flare before the distance between their bodies lessened even further.

“When did it get too rough for you? So rough that only leaving will suffice?”

“You’re well aware I believe,” Yuzuru found himself whispering, leaning into Brian all the same.. and Brian leaned too, as if he was desperate for closure.

As if they were all alone, no one interrupted, no one spoke loud enough to disturb. Yuzuru only blinked, nearly expecting a touch but he distantly accepted that Brian would never lay a hand upon him uninvited. Not in this condition, not when Yuzuru visibly trembled through it all.

“It gets easier,” Yuzuru found himself lying, nonetheless a conscious decision, referring to the underlined tones of their crushing conversation.

_I miss you._

“Does it ever?”

_I miss you too._

Gods, Yuzuru wanted to break something in pieces. Utterly unfair and utterly pointless at this point. He took a safe step back seeking the clarity of distance and… Brian did not follow. With shame Yuzuru realized he had wanted the man to.

“Yuzu I-”

“I apologize but I have to go.”

A quicker bow he had never done in his life. He fled from Brian’s suffocating presence with as much dignity as possible, grateful for the distraction that was the medal ceremony, for the obscurity cladding the arena. Though, when Yuzuru stood perched high onto the podium and the Japanese anthem dictated a solemn silence, he felt a heavy gaze upon him, a heavy gaze which he returned, knowing very well what he would find at the other end of it.

Longing — Brian was not looking at his student... but at Yuzuru and Yuzuru stared right back. Longing as well? Resentfulness? Perhaps both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... it was supposed to be only four chapters but the journey will take far more than that 😉


	3. Chapter 3

All things considered, he consciously neglected the gala rehearsal. Arrived rather late, missed his exhibition run-through and now all that was left was making use of the wasted… or gained time. In artistic dim lighting Yuzuru went over the main choreographic points of his performance while another’s music played in the background. The diligent practice served as a reasonable excuse for his isolation. Alex and Maya were kind enough to stir a somewhat lively conversation but the rest of the skaters maintained their distance. Yuzuru knew that nowadays he wasn’t the most welcoming presence… this and the fact Javier had attracted a compact group which shared loud laughs from time to time. Yuzuru was the bad guy here.

He furrowed his brows in mild annoyance before gliding to Boitano who at the sight of him abandoned his unknown conversation companion, nearing the boards sporting a respectable frown of his own.

“Warm up done,” Yuzuru announced, reaching out for his liquid proteins.

“Done late,” the American hurried to add, not giving him the chance to defend himself against the truth. “Think I don’t know what you’re doing?”

“What am I doing?” provoked Yuzuru.

There were no cameras in their faces this time, they had their privacy to exploit.

“Hiding, refusing contact.” Boitano leaned forward into Yuzuru’s space. “Wasn’t this the point of our partnership ― to flaunt it before his eyes? But you are hiding, even in galas.”

“Perhaps I value my peace and quiet.”

“You aim for everything but peace and quiet, don’t kid yourself. This much I do know.” A pause. “Well, in spite of some objective perceptions, you’re still full of defects… but at least you’ve won.”

“And I will win from now on.”

Yuzuru’s statement was met with a raised eyebrow.

“Good, I like the determination. Now go get rid of one of your defects, jump that quad lutz until you land it well... perhaps we’ll put together a combination in the near future.”

Defects, quad lutz, near future… plans. Plans which already circled online where Yuzuru succumbed to the irresistible temptation of curiosity and peaked. Ever since _the change_ he had avoided any media outlets but the disregard was not bound to last. Yuzuru thrived in attention and as soon as he missed its presence, he went to look for it on his own. Yuzuru needn't look too hard ― if at all. His new programs along his new layouts were circulated like wildfire by the media, his faithful fans and his dedicated haters.

 _Hope Javier beats his ass in the final_ , someone had shared on Twitter.

Yuzuru grinded his teeth and ventured into the many replays.

 _Keep dreaming op, anyway, nice of you to mention King Hanyu’s ass, the greatest behind of all time_ 🍑👑

Well, Yuzuru did have a great ass… and no one was going to beat him in the Grand Prix Final, least of all Javier. Never again.

With a little jump in his step he returned to the practice, motivated and more than ready for the quad lutz... but he still fell, thrice… and landed on two feet another four times. Yuzuru’s eight attempt sent him straight into the boards, a painful hiss escaping his lips. _Why why why?_ Everything was done right, each step in the book followed... but the result proved everything but perfect. Yuzuru huffed, running a hand through his hair. A triple lutz followed, a tactical decision proceeding another quad lutz. The boards were his destination this time too. _No matter, a tiny setback, a bad day_. Yuzuru could cleanly land this jump, he had done so before ― but not today it seemed. He will do so, tomorrow, another day. There was nothing Yuzuru Hanyu could not do once he put his mind to it.

He didn’t even glance in Boitano’s way at the end of it all, for Yuzuru didn’t wish to glimpse disappointment these few days. The win had been his ― not a substantial win, yes ― but a stepping stone nonetheless, a powerful foundation to build on. _Enough_. 

The gala itself proved a merry affair for in the dark Yuzuru could pretend Javier was not skating alongside him… and that Brian was not watching from the shadows. However, what he could not pretend was ignoring Tracy’s presence while backstage, as she came his way, naked determination in her step. Just having finished changing, Yuzuru was clutching his costume as she stood before him and his throat clenched, difficulties in breathing, no appropriate words ― but then he was pulled into a hug, fingers cradling his hair as if Yuzuru was something precious. He buried his face in Tracy’s shoulder and embraced her even tighter in response. If he closed his eyes, Yuzuru could even imagine a different world, a world where nothing had changed… but this wasn’t who he was so he banished the temptation away.  

Upon parting her stare displayed unbridged kindness… and perhaps things were fine for even the silence did not sound awkward. At the end of it all Yuzuru let himself be tugged farther into the changing room, to a couch on which they sat and here came what he had dreaded all this time. _Confrontation and questions._

“Missed you, Yuzu.”

Well, how could he not smile?

“Missed you too. Very much.”

At once Tracy’s eyes filled with tears, most surely biting on all sorts of questions she wanted to ask but decided it was wise not to. Yet, in the end, one did manage to be let out. A painful one.

“Was it worth it?” 

Yuzuru stilled as if hit. Because yes, was it worth it? Was it? Truly, the benefits of walking away remained to be seen, they waited in the future. To be seen, to be experienced, a difficult road ahead of him but Yuzuru knew what he had to do. _If I look back it’s all for nothing,_ he reminded himself. So he offered Tracy a tight smile.

“I believe it will be better ― for everyone involved.” As soon as Yuzuru glimpsed the narrowing of her eyes he hurried to explain his point of view, to make her understand, _to make her not hate him_. and his selfishness “The problem was me all along so I’ve came up with the solution, a painful one but a solution. Most people leave their coach in order to improve, I left mine out of spite. But this spite helped everyone do better. The end is good.”

“Yuzu, to leave is easy, to stay it’s not. Good, you say? Tell me then, did it feel good to see Brian and act like strangers?”

Yuzuru’s throat did that clenching _thing_ he associated with not enough air. _Again_. Brian’s name sounded so dangerous to him these days.

“Good? No.”

Sighs, a pat above his hand, a warm hand enclosing his, as if to both support and encourage. Yuzuru allowed himself be held, having ached for the return of such companionship. He didn’t say much, but then again Tracy had never needed many words to understand him. Familiarity said its word.

If people were intrigued by this much awaited exchange, none dared approach to satisfy their curiosity. Distantly Yuzuru thought on how Javier was all alone now… but then he remembered… _Brian. Yes, Tracy may be here, but Brian was with Javier. Yet you’re the one with the gold medal around your neck_ , he insisted to himself. _Be happy as you should. Be proud._

At this specific point their conversation went south… naturally, Brian was mentioned.

“He misses you. So… maybe ―“

“No, there’s no point. Everyone made their choice and there are consequences. No point in stirring things up yet again.” Besides, if Brian had truly cared he would have chosen him in the first place. A past interview came to mind, Brian refusing an emotional attachment to his students, however brief. Yuzuru should have been prepared.

Tracy appeared ready to argue but abandoned the tactic rather swiftly. She must have glimpsed the fire in Yuzuru’s eyes. _Eyes like coal,_ Brian had once noted during a late practice session. _No, stop, just stop. Only gold matters now._

“Fine, play it the way you feel it, Yuzu. But always take care of yourself. Continuous attempts on the quad lutz in lack of proper preparation and rest will do harm to your body. I’ve seen so before.”

A wave of uncontrollable malice swept through Yuzuru, so deep and scarring that he could not shut his mouth on time.

“Shouldn’t you find joy in that ― me hurting? After all, I’m competition.”

Tracy went white and her hand abandoned his. Distantly he found himself missing the warmth as she stood, ready to storm out and leave him behind. _Just like everyone else._

 _“_ That doesn’t change the fact we wish the best to you ― always have, always will,” she said. “So when you’re going to realize this, please come to us, let us talk. Until then… don’t let anyone’s ambitions push you on a dangerous path, guard yourself and your health.”

Deliberately he did not watch her go, he pondered not on her words, for Yuzuru Hanyu did not depend on another’s presence but his own. He was the one in charge, always and forever. 

 

*** * ***

 

NHK morphed into a dream, no, a fantasy, something far too perfect to be true but nonetheless genuine. Two clean performances and three world records, the first man in history to ever go beyond 300 points and Yuzuru could hardly come to terms with his own greatness… but he grew used to it with every breath. And my my my… how the rest of his competitors were now quivering in fear of his name, with the Final only two weeks away… and how Yuzuru wanted it to be now, to win again beyond any doubts and flaunt his shiny gold medal right under Javier’s nose, to laugh in his face for Yuzuru was the greatest of all time and period.

“Am I getting any better?” he asked in the plane, on the flight back to the States.

“Crush the competition as you did at NHK and yes, you’ll be far better than you already are,” his coach answered, looking up from the book titled _How to manage a genius, a not so simple guide._

Yuzuru only grinned in return. A subtle nod of selfish appreciation went a long way and a compliment was still a compliment.

“I will,” he promised, not to the man but to himself.

Truth be told, Yuzuru owned nothing of value to Boitano. Previous training was the real base for his skills, what truly dictated the performance itself, the jumps. The technician his coach had brought only insisted on the quads, everything else fell into their long shadow. Tempting as a new conquest was, Yuzuru could not let the base crumble. He knew better… _Brian had taught him better_ … that much he could admit.

“Baby steps,” he whispered to himself while securing the intricate ties of his skates.

… then, even through his earphones, it became clear a shouting match was taking place at the other end of the rink. Boitano was one of the three participants, the rest Lisa the dancing instructor and another middle aged man whose identity remained a mystery to Yuzuru. Same man uttered something that was at once covered by Boitano’s impressive shouts, “Don’t care, I don’t want him in my rink, not now or ever! I said no so don’t make me repeat myself!”

In spite of all tenuous slander directed his way, Yuzuru had never witnessed the elder skater getting this worked up before. He was practically fuming.

“Big problem?” he asked Bruno, the jumping technician who, of course, was following an animated quad lutz on his over-sized tablet.

They both watched Boitano storm off the ice while Lisa was sighing and mystery man was still mumbling to himself, obviously annoyed.

“Don’t you know?”

Yuzuru only blinked at the American, finally standing up, stretching his legs.

“Know what?”

Bruno only whistled in response at first. Yuzuru’s unimpressed expression must have prompted him to elaborate right after.

“Brian is raging at the supposed nerve of one of your former coaches to persistently request a visit here...Ghislain I believe.”

Yuzuru had too much power to show weakness or childish want. Ghislain was here, wishing to see him… _yes yes yes_ , he wanted to shout and defy Boitano’s interdiction… but was it really wise for his heart? To disturb his peace of mind? An unknown variable right before the Final could very well throw him off balance and create an opening for his adversaries. No, no risking this one time, no matter how badly Yuzuru ached for familiarity and warmth.

Hands curled into fists, he skated away with a respectful nod.

_Warm up warm up warm up._

Clear minded, he proceeded with the practice of far more difficult lay-outs than at NHK.

“If I catch someone recording this, I promise you’ll never set foot inside this rink. Understand?”

Boitano seemed to have returned to the scene.

 

*** * ***

 

_Magnificent Yuzuru Hanyu reigns once again! Not one… but two stellar performances! And three world records! 300 marks barrier no more! Stay with us after the break for a complete coverage of Yuzuru Hanyu’s legendary programs at NHK Trophy! The figure skating world is holding its breath!_

Cut an elaborated image of a serious faced Shoma, Javier and Boyang Jin, silly image that found Yuzuru grinning at his dinner. 

_Yes, you all should be scared of me._

“Not hungry?” his mother asked over the noise of the TV.

In spite of his well-known limited appetite, she still insisted on some days. A glass of orange juice was poured while Yuzuru’s predictable answer let itself be awaited.

“Not really. Too excited to eat I guess.”

She hummed with a knowing smile. 

Behind them the commercial went on, filling the occasional silence, something about scented soap… but then, at some indefinite point in the whole ordeal, two joined names caught his interest, two names that weren’t often mentioned in the same circles. _Yuzuru Hanyu and... Yuna Kim._

Why?

It appeared to be an excerpt from an foreign interview and Yuzuru needn't gaze at the Japanese subtitles to make sense of the conversation. _Progress_ , he couldn't help but notice with pride.

“ _Striking similarities_ ,” the blonde host was emphasizing with a grave expression. “ _Brilliant gold medalists, two young talents leaving the same coach behind… one can only wonder who is to blame_?”

Yuzuru’s chopsticks clinked against his bowl.

 _“Yes yes, most curious,”_ came the response from the male guest, all too eager to offer his input. _“After Yuna’s scandalous departure proper judgment was difficult and Yuzuru Hanyu’s Olympic gold appeared to put an end to the rumors of Orser’s bad coaching methods… but now Hanyu left as well, to Brian Boitano no less. Old flames are burning again. Samantha, you know what they say… once is a coincidence… but twice?”_ They both laughed at the obvious implications. “ _No bad students it seems, but a bad teacher… really now, who would have thought?”_

Another stupid laugh.

They spoke of them so lightly. _Slandered Brian so lightly._ Knew virtually nothing of the situation but made accusations so easily… just enough to tarnish someone’s name and reputation... his confidence. Now Yuzuru’s appetite had really vanished. He pushed away from the table, perfectly aware of his mother’s pointed silence. No secrets there. She let him go.

 _How dare they? With what rights they spread such lies? Brian was the best coach there was… warm and compassionate, strict and resourceful and just above all. And, well… that justness of his had ultimately pushed Yuzuru to his radical decision.  If anything, he should be blamed for the scandal, not Brian. Brian had to suffer because of him._ Yuzuru refrained from punching a wall, inching towards the bed yet with no actual desire to sit upon it. _Yuna’s departure had left such a mark upon Brian and now Yuzuru had ―_

He reached for his phone even before this train of thought fully registered and was placed upon proper judgement… one to imply consequences for all involved. It only rang twice before the call was accepted. Then it was too late to turn back with his pride intact.

“Yuzu?”

_Brian. Brian’s voice. Brian. Speak speak speak._

“Yes, it’s me,” Yuzuru finally managed. “I wanted…”

Silence, the rustling of sheets.

“Are you ok? Did… did something happen?”

Against expectations, Brian had not ended the call and Yuzuru realized he was nodding in response to his former coach’s question... before it registered Brian had no way of seeing such gesture.

“No, I’m ok, everything is fine. Just… just wanted to say something… just so you know. Doesn’t matter what the press or anyone says, the fault is mine, not yours, I left because of my own reasons not because of something you’ve done because you’ve done everything more than perfect. They’re stupid and they don’t know what they’re saying and I don’t want you to be blamed, I don’t want you to ―”

A bitter laugh placed an end to his rant. 

“Yuzu… what they say doesn’t really matter. It is what it is.”

“But ―”

“No, cast the blame aside, there’s no use for it. Just… talk to me.” The pause which followed alluded to a temptation that only the forbidden truth could entail. At last Brian ended up willingly biting into the offered apple. “ _Miss ―_  glad you finally decided to call.”

Tears sparked in Yuzuru’s eyes. _I need you,_ he wanted to whisper into the phone.

“Me too,” he admitted in a quiet tone, the sharp inhale of breath on the other end of the call nearly choking him. “And… all is good here, just training, getting ready for Barcelona. There are expectations.”

“You are to your fans what the moon is to the sky in the darkest night. No matter what, good or bad, they’ll support you. But… I know this isn’t what you want to hear. First place or nothing at all, wasn’t it?”

Yuzuru smiled at one of their many inside jokes but the vague conciliatory tone of their conversation threatened to turn sour.

“Always. Losing is as good as dying.”

“Yuzu, people still sometimes lose. Everyone is undefeated until they aren’t, you know this. Anyway… just don’t overwork yourself, take care with your jumps, don’t spend too much time on ice ― ”

“You didn’t change much. The rants sound the same.”

“Neither did you.”

 _Oh, but I did._ Certainly an accusation in Brian’s tone.

“I should go. It’s late and I have an early training session tomorrow ― well today. Have a good night.”

This hurried parting both ached and relieved… most strangely.

“Ok, whatever you wish for, you know what to do better than anyone else. Thank you for calling me… for finally having the chance to talk. Perhaps in Barcelona...:” Brian cleared his throat. “We’ll see. And Yuzu… congratulations on your performances. You were amazing, beyond any words.”

“Amazing boy?” he couldn’t help but tease, with only the faintest trace of viciousness, seeking gratification all the same.

“Amazing boy,” Brian offered his veneration.

In that moment Yuzuru realized he had opened a door that was supposed to remain closed, now an opening for any visitors that wished to stay and never leave. And the door? Quite possibly, it’ll refuse closing... and the visitors were here to stay.

Yuzuru’s weakness announced itself to stay. He despised the phone call as soon as it ended.

 

*** * ***

 

The first shared practice session was quite eventless… in terms of drama. By some incident or entirely another reason, Javier was placed in a different training group, so Yuzuru proved more than relaxed, no Brian at the boards to watch his every move, no Brian for Yuzuru to always gaze at… instinctively. He had come to terms with the realization that not Javier was his point of interest but Brian. It explained many many things over the years...

Naturally the warm up before the short program found Yuzuru not quite as lucky, in this particular aspect and another. As the announcer all but shouted Javier’s name, the public boomed into shouts and claps and they just _wouldn’t stop_ . Yuzuru’s quad lutz silenced them in an instant. It may be Javier’s home country but still there was no other star but Yuzuru Hanyu. _He wouldn’t allow it._

“Show off,” his coach accused with delight as Yuzuru blew his nose.

“Yes.”

"So you think you're cool?" 

"Yes, I do."

“Then convince everyone today.”

“I will.”

All things considered Boitano wasn’t a bad man… he simply saw Yuzuru as an extension of Brian… the dislike was inevitable. And dislike it was. Games were played, games where pride was involved and Boitano had no use of Yuzuru beyond humiliating his former rival… no, his current rival. A certain amount of ownership was also involved… and hate. Whatever, they were not here to forge a bond. Yuzuru came to win… and Boitano came to flaunt said win, nothing more, nothing else.

Later, as he waited in the starting position for Chopin to play, Yuzuru knew he’ll be great, he could taste in the air, could feel it in his bones. There was a new kind of confidence following NHK. And great he was, another world-record performance that raised the entire rink to their feet, and Yuzuru bowed, basking in the applause, twirling left and right and right and left while the crowd roared in delight. _For him and him only, for the perfection only Yuzuru Hanyu could deliver._

Let Javier top that. An unfair challenge because even with a clean program Yuzuru was still untouchable. He didn’t skate last but he knew the outcome all the same. _First place and first place only._ Better than NHK, Yuzuru felt himself evolve, turning into something more… _sinister_. At the small medal ceremony he became aware of his own dark thoughts… not only of his desire to win, but his desire to conquer and possess… and the realization that he still wasn’t satisfied. 

“Mister Hanyu,” came an annoyingly predictable question from the sea of reporters. “Lately young talented skaters like Mister Uno and Mister Jin had risen, new talents to move figure skating forwards. By any chance, are you feeling threatened?”  

 _Dark thoughts indeed_. Conscious of Javier’s stillness to his right, Yuzuru smiled sweetly and raised the microphone to his lips.

“My congratulations to their talent but as of now I’m the one with the gold medal around his neck, the one who sets world records weeks apart.” His tone turned sharp.”Moving the sport forwards… we’ve _all_ done so in these past years… the evolution is natural and periodical. To answer your question, no, I do not feel threatened for I have no rival other than myself.”

His well-earned arrogance lowered many eyes. And prompted many articles typed by trembling fingers.

Whatever, he still had a free program to win the next day.

Then the unthinkable happened. _No, no the unthinkable for how many nights had Yuzuru dream about this?_ Fresh off the press conference, right outside his hotel room, Brian called his name. Expression blank, Yuzuru faced him. He had hated the vulnerability of the phone call but this was worse. Much, much worse. There was a familiar shelter in Brian’s gaze that placed pressure around his heart, as if a fist was set on squeezing it to death and then beyond.

The hallway of the fifth floor was deserted so there was no one to glimpse how Yuzuru’s hands fell at his sides, room card still clutched in his fingers. Casually dressed, Brian stepped closer, slowly, as if giving him the chance to flee. Yuzuru stood his ground.

“This is unwise,” he advised. “Respectful distance is better in our situation.”

The distance between the two of them turned too little for his advice to have a chance.

“Distance,“ Brian noted with bitter humor. “How many years will I be able to stand your distance? And how long will you be able to stand me standing yours?”

Yuzuru hesitated and Brian waited.

“Come in then,” he spoke at last. “Let’s talk like we should.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't help myself not to include Brian's words to Yuzuru after the free program at nhk2015, 'Amazing boy', also the symbolic title of this story:)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Countless apologizes for the slow update, my life is a wild ride lately. Thank you for you patience.

 

Gazing at Brian was supposed to be easier now… upon repetition and practice… but Yuzuru yet again presented himself unprepared for the challenge.  _ No, nothing has to change today, nothing at all. _ Yuzuru should only follow the road he had chosen by his own will. Resistance, perseverance… but none did exclude pain. Even if he were to tell himself a good lie, that much could not be ignored. The truth wasn’t any better, but neither were lies.

Such intricate thoughts perished while cold light inundated the hotel room as soon as Yuzuru’s fingers touched the bedside lamp. Not looking behind him as the door clicked shut, he let himself fall onto the mattresses, hands smothering his own knees, trying to will himself into a mental state akin to tranquillity.

“Do they hurt?

Brian’s explicit worry was not an element of Yuzuru’s elaborate imagination. Should the man’s words disappear, the hard set of his mouth was still here to be witnessed in its full glory. Brian did worry… yet to what end? 

“No,” he half lied, for while the knee did not hurt… it did ache at times.

His former coach was not convinced. The staring contest commenced and it appeared this one time Yuzuru’s victory was not about to be delivered quite so easily ― yet such potential victory proved anything but sweet. Yuzuru grew weary of his resentiments in face of Brian’s insistence and the possible outcome of such insistence.  _ Why now and not then? Why not beg me to stay then? Why insist for my attention only this late?  _  His fingers were already twisting the sheets, tranquillity lost or better said, never truly found.

The man threaded farther into the room, helping himself to the chair belonging to the deserted writing desk, offering Yuzuru his undivided attention. Good, as starved as Yuzuru was, even this bittersweet interaction will suffice.  _ No no no, he was still so weak! Fire without smoke, fire without heat! What fire then? _ Yuzuru Hanyu was more than just empty fire and empty words ― always had, always will. As much as Brian’s presence twisted the inner machinations of his mind, Yuzuru was going to remain grounded while doing the right thing, for he did own this man an explication, a certain maturity manifesting in a conversation. In this rightful process he only needed to make abstraction of his irrational needs, as clouded as they now were.

“You can do better than such a cheap denial,” Brian sighed at last, blue eyes travelling down to Yuzuru’s knee, making him hyper-aware of his own hands resting there. “Boitano should also know better than foolishly push you into quads. Health should always come first, no matter the student’s potential and the endgame… and your potential is endless.”

“So you don’t think he’s a coach worthy of my greatness?”

There was no hesitation in Brian’s answer to his rather biting remark.

“No one is worthy of you.”

“Not even yourself?”

“Should I tell you lies in return?”

Yuzuru pursued his lips, somehow disarmed by Brian’s apparent detachment, nearly vindication. And, well, to a certain extent he was blaming Brian, so was it a surprise Brian was blaming him in return?

“Only the truth,” he responded with determination, goosebumps rising up his arms. “We didn't use to lie much.”

_ Just omit some truths… look the other way at times. _

“The truth.” Brian let out a laugh, as if amused by the notion and its implications… or perhaps by the one who demanded it. “The truth is complicated… I’m not yet decided if I was ever worthy of you but we did work well together… for a while, until you…”

“Left.”

Yuzuru watched his former coach flinch. Instant gratification washed over him, only serving to poison his already resentful beliefs.

“Yes Yuzu, until you left.” A disarming pause that went for far too long. Then a frown. “Why are you smiling?”

Was he? Yes… he was. Yuzuru truly smiled, unwillingly and ironically and entirely unamused… nonetheless he smiled.

“It’s just… interesting, the notion I mean.  _ Left _ . As if there was only one participant involved and no reason at all, when in actuality there were more than one participant and a well-connected reason. And now you’re here… giving me advice when I have no such needs. Interesting. And complicated.”

Brian paled but did not relent.

“You agreed to talk, to have a civilized conversation, one devoid of spiteful behavior. This is not it.”

His  _ teacher voice _ , the one employed while correcting Yuzuru’s posture or general habits. So wise, so well-intended, so productive in the end ― but not now. Heat was already rising up in Yuzuru’s cheeks.

“We also agreed on the truth,” he reminded Brian in a steady yet venomous tone. “This is my truth.”

“A selfish truth.”

“From a selfish person. Don’t you know me by now?”

Clear blue eyes made Yuzuru feel as if  _ he _ was in the wrong ― him and only him, a notion he entertained at most times that sparked no joy. It was a trap set for himself for it was easier to share and not shoulder alone the bitter consequences of his own actions. But communicating as much to his desired yet undesired guest simply did not manifest into existence. It had been easier by the phone, the words had come out right then. Or if not right―

The chair creaked like a bad omen. Brian had stood and in utter silence closed the distance between the table and the bed and without any ceremony, crunched before Yuzuru, gazing up at him. With a tiny jolt, Yuzuru struggled not to move, not to move away, not to encourage… he simply surveyed, surveyed and waited for the unknown to happen.

But it did not, not at first. 

The silent dance between their eyes signaled a different direction, something threatening to kill Yuzuru’s calm.

“Yuzuru, listen to me. What’s done is done, blame is meaningless. But know this, I’ll never wish you any harm.” Slow and deliberate, warm big hands settled onto Yuzuru’s knees. “You may not want to hear this right now but you know as well as me that I’m right ― that you’re pushing yourself to the point of ruin. Slow down before it’s too late, even under someone else's guidance. Just slow down, for your sake only. Please.” 

_ Why did I ever think this was a good idea? _

It was the last coherent thought before Yuzuru’s resolve broke and shattered. He leaned down into Brian’s space, bottom lip quivering, eyes burning with accusations and longing.

“How could you let me go?” he faltered. “Why didn’t you fight, why didn’t you make the right choice when ―”

He was pulled down into a fierce embrace and Yuzuru melted into the body pressed to his.  _ It had been so long.  _ Hands smothered down his back, tracing familiar patterns yet evoking such unfamiliar feelings. Yuzuru sniffed and circled Brian’s neck with his arms, willing himself not to cry, yet the heart hammering next to his own made it all so very difficult. 

“How could you let me go?” he echoed when the silence became too loud and he was too lost to care about any pride.

Brian held him even tighter. 

“Do understand, this is not just about us, no matter how bad I want it to be,” his former coach confessed into Yuzuru’s neck, hot breath washing over his skin and Yuzuru hated the unfairness of it all.

“This should have been all about us!” he let out after abruptly pushing himself away from the other man, losing his balance for only a fraction of a moment, ever so graceful and composed. “You and I, nothing works like you and I… Don’t you want me? Don’t you want me back?”

“Of course I do, I can’t remember that day I began to want you!”

Yuzuru and Brian both froze.

A secret. Now laid out in the open, but at the same time the most precious information that should not have been spread. A dream, a theory begging to be tested but the answer had arrived before the experiment. Yuzuru blinked, blinked again and then… he started to lean back into the older man’s space, just like a child pressing over a wound to see how bad it hurts… and it hurt badly. 

Their energies simply intersected at that moment, a visual exchange leaving Yuzuru breathless and utterly  _ informed, powerful, in control.  _ Brian wanted him, Brian ached for him so deeply that his blue eyes were blazing, hands visibly quivering… yet he made no advance, like he had something to prove. So Yuzuru did what he knew best, he  _ pressed _ .

“If you want something, you should take it,” he whispered, lips brushing a warm cheek, barely there. "Kiss me.”

_ Please. _

Visibly, something inside Brian simply broke. He looked lost, like someone getting the grand prize after chasing it for so long that winning had never been an option. But he was only human in the end… and still kneeling between Yuzuru’s legs. 

There was no hesitation or nervousness to be found in the first touch of their lips. Breaths huffed into mouths with both anger and passion, hands grabbing at everything they could grab, pulling each other closer to the point of inevitability. Yuzuru was burning, ignited by a thrill he associated with winning and the highest spot onto the podium. When he let himself fall back onto the bed, fingers locked together with his desired partner, he pulled Brian along, or perhaps Brian would have followed anyway. The body pressed over his was bliss, their kisses soundlessly, mouths never too far apart. Yuzuru loved it all, the high, the warmth, the consummation. Brian’s hands mapping each inch of his body, his own slender fingers trailing over a rough jaw until the man all but growled and the grip he had on Yuzuru’s waist turned anything but gentle.  _ Yuzuru loved it. _

He learned many things that night. Yuzuru could let go of control for once and feel safe, one did not exclude the other. Yuzuru ached for another man, for a familiar man, maybe a man he had ached for all along. With Brian inside him and his hot breath washing against the shell of his ear, Yuzuru could not lie to himself. He spread his legs even wider and ordered,  _ begged _ .

“Kiss me.”

Every wish was met and later, with Yuzuru bouncing up and down Brian’s lap, warm hands on his tiny waist, the pure adoration he glimpsed into those blue eyes nearly finished him… and then came the words, all the hidden truths now cascading in this single moment of vulnerability, spoken against the column of his throat, as if sharing secrets.

_ “-killing me, you’re killing me, fucking hell Yuzu, you-” _

Yuzuru arched his back and then the finish line blissfully arrived. Strong arms held him, rocked him back and forth, fingers cradled through damp hair and Yuzuru felt safe and he was happy. For a while.

“What’s going to change?” he asked after retrieving his clothes and covering his body while Brian did the same.

He already knew the answer, the air tasted of it and still Yuzuru asked... like a fool. Then the brief yet monumental silence said it all. Tears instantly coulded his vision so he made himself busy with his socks for an annoyingly amount of time.

“Yuzu I… you know I can’t do anything if you don’t meet me halfway, you always adored to be put first but now ―”

The bed creaked, Brian was threading closer. But  _ no _ . Shoulders pushed back, head held up high and eyes still burning, Yuzuru faced his former coach, now so much more and at the same time so much less.  _ Help me _ , he wanted to scream. A ruthless Yuzuru Hanyu only laughed in return.  _ No one can help you but yourself. _

“Leave then, let’s not cross another line. I can’t change your mind just like you can’t change mine.”

Dusting himself after a particularly bad fall had been easier than speaking these words, facing the consequences, the hurt, the instant self-loathing transforming Brian’s face. Yuzuru felt like drowning but kept a straight face.

“Please leave and put this behind you.”

If he as much as reached out a hand, he knew Brian would stay, he knew how much Brian wanted to stay, how bad he wanted Yuzuru… but Yuzuru wanted everything or nothing at all and in spite of everything they had shared, in spite of everything  _ he  _ had offered, Yuzuru alone was not enough for Brian. 

His bottom lip quivered.

When he passed him, Brian’s fingers brushed his own, almost as if saying goodbye. None dared look at each other.

“Comeback when you’re ready. I’ll be waiting for you. And please take care, always take care of yourself.”

As soon as the door closed Yuzuru lost it. He burst into hysterical crying, lying on his bedroom floor, muffling his cries with his hands. Time went by and he simply could not stop, it got worse. Yuzuru would have thought that after the first time being abandoned the second time would hurt a little less. Nothing was farther than the truth.  _ Stop, just stop, hide this humiliation behind a wall, then build another wall, an entire fortress, you need to get up and forget this _ . He had the free program to win, Yuzuru couldn’t afford a single misplaced step… but his legs were shaking.

Daylight made its appearance but something inside Yuzuru was growing dark.

 

*** * ***

 

Something had indeed changed, everyone must have thought so as soon as Yuzuru took the ice for the long program in the Grand Prix Final. Boitano clapped him on the shoulder and looked at him strangely, no half-threatening words this time. There was no need, for Yuzuru already held a certain look in his eyes, one resembling a beast ready to strike and conquer both helpless and fiery prey. Why? Everything else beside himself and his wishes had turned irrelevant, only one road ahead of him. The crowd roared at the simple delight of his name but Yuzuru already knew he’ll win. He knew he’ll win from experience, another page written for his legend.

_ Go beyond the ideal _ , he told himself as the first notes of Seimei drowned even his own thoughts.

And so he did.

It was glorious, drowning, utterly conquering and defeating and Yuzuru’s pride soared higher than the sky. Pride in himself and himself only. He was not skating for any country, not for his family either. Everything he did was for the project named Yuzuru Hanyu, no one else but Yuzuru Hanyu. And he was most proud about it.

Logically, the victory ceremony evolved into a declaration of total war. The fact the screams were louder for Javier only fueled Yuzuru’s spitefulness. He smirked triumphantly as his name was finally called out and utterly delighted in the slight lowering of volume. The Spaniard’s compatriots held no love for him and Yuzuru certainly did not need or want such love. But oh, shaking hands with Shoma and utterly disregarding Javier’s presence before leaping onto the podium certainly installed both shouts and silence. It sent the right kind of shivers down his spine.

Music blasting, Yuzuru smiled sweetly for the mandatory picture, lacking body contact from a certain direction and it was perfect, straight out of a dream and surely a nightmare to some. But… life had a funny manner of scratching even at your proudest achievements. Nothing could be _ too perfect.  _

As he left the rink and countless people both smiled and frowned at him (but mostly smiled), Yuzuru saw  _ him _ , and  _ he  _ was already looking at Yuzuru, perhaps had done so all along. Even Javier lurking closeby faded in the background, a minor detail in the grand scheme of things. Brian’s eyes appeared even bluer in this dim lightening and realization hit Yuzuru so sharply he nearly staggered. In spite of the humiliation and abandonment, he still wanted Brian to crush him in his arms and never let go. And that was a weakness, a losing game. What was that saying…― yes,  _ he who cares the least wins _ . Yuzuru Hanyu refused to lose anymore.

He left without peeking behind him even once… but he would be lying if he said such desire wasn’t burning every inch of his skin.

 

*** * ***

 

“You have an ungodly amount of pride. Well-earned I suppose.”

Boitano had a way of making even a compliment sound like an insult. But Yuzuru wasn’t insulted. He cared far too little.

“I do.”

Now the American actually perceived the subtle jab as an insult… but he let it go in the end for there were other activities that required his attention, namely the quad lutz, ever the quad lutz. With Japansese Nationals done and won, Worlds loomed around the corner and in spite of all mantras and self-assurance Yuzuru grew restless with each passing day. He trained considerably harder and far more structured but while he definitely progressed in that department, on the mental side tiny pieces were shaking in all the wrong places. He was ready, the quad lutz not perfect but stable enough, it should be an easy win, another Barcelona yet… what if he lost again? What if it was another Shanghai instead? What if?

Yuzuru frowned and reached for his water bottle, ever ready at the boards. Cold liquid passed his lips and everything was better for a short while… that was until Boitano opened the hard lines of his mouth.

“So, the guys around here told me you aren’t going out, in your free time I mean. Why is that? My country doesn’t rise to Canada’s level?”

The underlying question was  _ am I not on Brian’s level? _

The sudden nausea twisting his stomach could be attributed to various factors. Yuzuru pushed everything to the back of his mind, even strong warm hands on his waist. Especially  _ those _ . 

“That’s just me,” spoke Yuzuru, purposefully dancing around the question yet not exactly lying. “Wasting nights doesn’t make me happy. It makes me tired.”

“I don’t think you ever could be happy. No matter where you are, no matter what you do. That’s just you.”

It was Yuzuru’s turn to feel attacked. Eyes narrowing, he surveyed his untypical adversary and he was surveyed in return, nearly with glee. Fine then, let’s hit where it hurts.

With purpose and unnecessary delay, he stripped off his training blouse, leaving himself in only a shirt, prolonging the silence to the point of unbearable tension. Boitano must have anticipated the response to be sharp and immediate.

“Wrong. I was happy… with him.” He saw Boitano’s nostrils flare but also realized the low blow had struck another target… himself. So Yuzuru derailed the discussion to the best of his abilities. “Let’s not fight. Either way, we have a competition to prepare for. That’s the most important thing.”

Visibly, they came to a truce, a quiet one. But the critique for the quad lutz was anything but quiet.   

“The landing! Everything else is perfect, but the landing! I literally don’t know what to say, to guess what’s holding you back.”

“A break perhaps,” suggested Yuzuru, genuinely exhausted. “Polish skating skills, train the other jumps-”

He was interrupted nearly instantly.

“The other jumps are good enough, you land them nine times out of ten. But the lutz? Four out of ten. Not good enough. Not if you want to crush the competition.”

“I can win even without the lutz.”

“Yes, but you can’t humiliate Javier as hard as you’d like without it and we both know this is a question of pride more so than anything else.” 

There was no pink in Yuzuru’s cheeks. Facts were facts and he knew himself.

His coach smiled, all too pleased.

“Glad we can agree on that. Go through the motions for the lutz now, slowly, let me study your air position.”

The late training session ended in a foul mood, with another three falls on a specific quad and a bitter goodnight exchanged between him and Boitano. While leaving behind the double glass doors of the training rink Yuzuru took notice that his shoulders were slouched and he immediately corrected his posture. Yes, today had been a bad day, but the algorithm persisted, the results should arrive. And logistics aside, Yuzuru Hanyu always raised, no matter the fall. Always. And he tried yet again.

Confidence in himself doubled, fingers hovering over the screen of his phone ready to call an Uber, and then the unexpected happened. Steps signaled the arrival of another person, one who stranded close enough for Yuzuru to take notice of him. He looked up and paled. Ghislain simply smiled the warmest of smiles and Yuzuru could only smile in return, the irregular rhythm of his heart twisting his feelings even farther into unknown territory.

In a familiar gesture arms opened and Yuzuru soaked into that warmth in an instant. It was the safest he felt in quite a while… that was... in the beginning.

A bit later, in the back of a coffee shop and with a warm mug of tea before him, Yuzuru’s leap in happiness began its descent. The cause? Naturally, questions… and what was more natural than questions?

“Everyone misses you.” Then Ghislain frowned. At that moment he hasn’t asked Yuzuru one personal question and he already knew too much. “What’s wrong?”

_ Everything. _

But he’s come too far to let himself become weak now.

“Tired,” he sighed, dodging the sharp inquiry.

Lately Yuzuru felt every conversation was a trap, not an exchange of information. The participants should have made a difference but perhaps he himself was at fault. Perhaps he saw traps where there was only good will… or perhaps not. But, better safe than sorry, Yuzuru had learnt that much from all that life had to offer.

At first he did not confess he missed the past as well but Ghislain must have knew it all the same. The low corners of his mouth said as much. The vulnerability of the exchange made Yuzuru uncomfortable yet at the same time familiarity was the only tenderness touch that could ever touch him. Then homesickness hit him, sickness for his home and the ones who used to represent it, Brian before all. Just like that, the tea turned bitter.

Yuzuru placed down his cup with over careful manners, attempting to keep the quivering of his hands at bay.

“I miss you too.”

The man appeared taken aback before a sheepish smile found its way to his face. Yuzuru hid his hands under the table and grinned in return. The merry atmosphere suffocated him but the happiness on Ghislain’s face made it all worth it. In the end it wasn’t anyone’s fault that the truth tore at Yuzuru’s walls.

“Trust me, we miss you even more, Yuzu… in spite of everything. You know what? Let’s not even talk about this if it makes you uncomfortable, just tell me about you, everything you want.” His former coach blinked. “Are you eating alright? The cheeks are more hollow than I remember…”

“I’m fine, well, as fine as I can be with everything that took place. I train and take care of myself and then train again and then-”

“Train again,”  Ghislain finished for him.

“Yes, train again. I need to win Worlds.”

Yuzuru had threaded on a dangerous path. This discussion was supposed to be all about peace and contempt but Yuzuru didn’t want and type of peace, he wanted victory, always and forever. But surely Ghislain already knew. He must have.

“Yes, but this has turned awfully intimate. Your purpose I mean, to defeat Javier, but Yuzu… think rationally, you need to place this grudge behind you, it’s not healthy, it’s not sane, it harms your judgement, makes you foolishly daring in your technique. We see you in training and at competitions and what you do… it’s not good, not good at all. You may not want to hear this from Brian even if  Brian is a good man with only your best interests in mind, but hear it from me then. Let go of this fixation, or at least place more responsibility in your actions.For you, do it all for you.”

Yuzuru only looked at Ghislain. A good man. Brian..  _ Would you still think the same if you knew he buried his cock in me last night? I doubt _ .

“Did he sent you here? To say what he’d said times before?”

“Of course not, these days Brian’s vehemently fixated on giving you space… but that doesn’t make this advice any less valuable.”

_ Oh, even more space between us _ .  _ Why not an entire ocean then? Perhaps space itself. _

“I’m careful enough, I do learn, it’s better now,” Yuzuru defended himself. “Skating skills are not left behind and the jumps are well-managed. I’m better now, I’m balanced.”

Yuzuru truly believed his words but Ghislain… there was still doubt left  in his gaze.

Their tea had turned cold by the time they left the coffee shop, the conversation back into safe territory. Canada, Ghislain’s brand new training program and, of course, Yuzuru’s eating habits. This was nice, familiar, warm, lulled him into a false feeling of security. He was in the taxi, after bidding a long goodbye to the other man when he simply could’t help himself and asked a stupid question that squeezed around his very being.

“Lately, isn’t he different? Change his mind?”

Ghislain’s silence broke what was left of his heart. Nonetheless, Yuzuru smiled and waved, then bit his lower lip as the car drove on. For the life of him, he didn’t know while he poked at fresh wounds and expected pleasure.

By the time he was dropped off by his apartment, Yuzuru’s lip was bleeding. He stared up at the lit windows, as he took the front stairs. Up he went but lower he sank.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments are more than well received, so please let me know what you think🌈
> 
> on tumblr @lordmarvoloriddle


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